things birth of old whore

I was going to call this soap some dulled up version, like bitch or OW, even!

My friend said to call her what she is..the old whore because to say the things that make us who we are.

I have never been the old whore more than now.

Here it is. It was about a man. I was crazy for him, he was so smart. I was smitten by his thoughts his knowledge and discipline and I was enamored of his martial arts. He made me a good fighter. I was rockin out kicks like a pro!

All the things I loved so much then..I was also fit and young and striking, not american beauty but more Greek..yes, Iam greek so that can not be changed.

We made art and he did all the math with soap(it was before technology with fats on the internet) and it was good..I became anastasia's ideas and it was so good. living the life you believe in is very good.

Until..

I opened the door at night, his night, his dark night he hated in the day world was darker yet than any other thing he could have created for himself and so imaginative too!

I was as if the goddess Psyche who saw her lover at night and he was a demon after all. He had been  hiding his true self from her eyes..

It all comes out..and brews and stews for many until it trickles out in small clues  one by one like the hollywood people right now..

I cried a lot when I found out. I screamed at god and all the promises made on his behalf. 

How? 

How be so in hate and still meditate and make claims..like some Catholic priests, yea?

How can you hide for years and pretend you are worthy when at night when no one can see, you are willing and happy to torture and humiliate women..sadistically? How can you prowl through the internet for just that perfect fantasy girl or boy..who knows what you really like, it doesn't matter really??

Here are some things we allow from men..or our current lovers..I do not care how you have sex..just read more books..listen and don't lie about who you are. You do not have to confess anything!

we allow belonging to them

we allow loyalty no matter what

we allow abuse in the area of unbalanced chores

we allow the pretending during the day to continue in hopes that things will willingly improve because desire for the best things..

we are comfy with the money and do not want to separate the home and suffer out in the world 

we pretend that it is just a joke when they make up a fantasy about you in order to cloak their own debauchery

It is not a joke..it is called "gaslighting" in order to divert their own deportment in their lives.

I had asked a question see/ I had dared to present the conditions in the day time.

"How can you behave this way, really?"

"I can never fully be loyal to an old whore like you."

"oh, really??"

Yea..I learned hard that day..it stuck like a knife..I had to rethink my loyalties and I had buried myself in details that took time to separate and come to terms..I stayed cold from then, though.  

I reminded myself and I stayed fixed on my goals that I must not remain in this horrid state of mind.

Horrid because to come to your fullest contentment, you must not need to bend the knee..

I knew I hated this pretend life of me bad, he, big bad!! Lovers or partners like that will think bad about anyone who gets too close. Why? Abusive assholes, that is why!

Fear and shame is a player in our lives, I am afraid. Shed that right now!

Here we are.. The Old Whore.. 

She is just so fine. Chypre' Smoky, resinous, lingering, smart..patchouli, labdanum, oak moss..yum

Old Whore 18 

Don't be sad babies..it is just a story..I love you!